A bit of a downer post....

I felt (feel) so down today. First of all, I couldn't get going good. I wanted to get up and read my Bible and pray because I just HAVE to have God's wisdom and help everyday. I know myself. I need God to direct me as a wife and mother. I can do it on my own for a few days, but then it will hit me, BAM, I've got to have help from a higher power. I did sneak to my bedroom and read a little and pray for about 5 mins before I was discovered having left the room by my dear shadow (Erin), but I was disappointed that I didn't have that strong 'moving mountains' prayer time. Then, the kids mentioned going to the park. My immediate reaction was, absolutely not, but I did feel the Holy Spirit quicken me to spend time with my kids today. I mean, I don't know when I'll be able to take them to the park or swimming or whatever when the baby gets here. So, it took a lot to turn me away from my unkempt house and take them to the park. We had a pretty good time. I am just in no shape to really enjoy things like park trips. If I sit down, I can't get up without a scene. I can't chase after a stray child. It is murder to get in and out of vehicles. All in all, it wasn't disastrous. Emory got frustrated way more than once because the slides don't really work out for him and he can't really get into the swings by himself. I can't help him because he's 80 pounds. When we got back from the park, we went by my dear MIL who has cooked so many meals for us lately, I feel like a rotten wife/mother. I appreciate it so much, but I feel like I haven't taken care of my family in the food department. We ate lunch with her and the kids wanted to go swimming. Emory can get in there fine by himself (we stay nearby), but Erin wanted to go, so I ended up wet, on the steps, while they swam nearby. I enjoyed watching them play in the water. When Emory woke up from his nap, I was outside working in my yard which is so stoopid because I had so much to do inside. But, because I have OCD and have to follow a stupid cleaning schedule and it's Monday and my schedule says to work in the yard for 15 mins, I was out when he woke up. He was just about having a nervous breakdown when I got in the house because he couldn't find me. I felt so bad for him. When Erin woke from her nap, it was downhill from there. She is so whiney, stubborn, and got hurt so many times today for us to count (splinter in her toe, mashed fingers about 4 times in the last 2 days, cut foot, and other endless pangs..she's a drama queen). She is sooo cute and sweet, but she is going through this little stage. The other part is that I'm tooo tired and can't get up to discipline them like I should. I hate myself for this. I don't want my kids to have regressed in their behavior just because I've had a child. I'm just going to try to do better tomorrow. I just want to do better in the less hollering/ not so grouchy mood. Irritable, yikes!

Another thing is with my dear husband. I feel like he gets second best. The children get first (not by my intentions, just the way it seems to work with mothering small kids) and he gets the leftovers. He comes in from work and I give him the "it's been a tiring, rough, day and yes, I'm still pregnant" look instead of being so joyful that he's home. I don't feel like being affectionate, yet I need affection, really. We are both irritable a bit this week. You know if mama's not happy, noone is?

Lastly, is I have a dear friend who is going through the hell of her life. I feel so helpless and hopeless about how to help her. Things that are happening are not even her fault. I just wish for everything to be back normal for her. I get so mad at the devil and have a renewed hatred for him tonight. He is so out to destroy God's people. God help us all.

Sorry to be such a downer post. This is my blog and my thoughts. Sometimes cheerful, sometimes not. I prayed today that God will just 'restore unto me the joy of my salvation'. I need it badly. I need to be a 100% mama and 100% wife. Nothing else is beneficial to my family. Thanks for reading. Pray for me. God is still good.

God Bless!